Life is funny sometimes. You think you've got it all figured out. You make plans and decisions based on what you think is right and what will make you thrive. You seek relationships that will provide you with love, happiness, and laughter. You ask the Lord to show you the way and pray that the choices you make are His will. But what if they aren't?
That's where I've been lately. I've been trying to figure out this funny life. I've always thought I was so grown up. I've always felt mature and like I handled situations as an adult would. I was affirmed in these thoughts by many people around me. Growing up, I always looked older than I was. I remember when I was just a freshman in high school, I went with my sister, LeighAnne, and my mom to Kent State to register LeighAnne for classes. I approached the registration table with LeighAnne and the guy working looked at me and began asking me questions as if I was the freshman in college and not LeighAnne. That's been the template for my life and admittedly, I've loved it. I loved being the one people seek for advice because despite being their age, I portrayed someone who has experienced so much and was simply, grown up.
Well, given recent events, I can't help but think that God must have been laughing hysterically the past 23 years at my presumptuous, grown up attitude. I always attributed it to being loving and maternal. But really, I think I have been rushing life. I've always acted as though I've experienced so much that I really have yet to really experience anything. I have been focusing on being wise and logical for those around me so that I can contribute advice to their lives and I think it has caused me to come up short in my own life.
While this is a blunt statement, I have focused on superficial and temporary happiness. I have followed this logical sequence of life and lived so much in the moment that I have never developed a foundation of happiness in my life. In high school and college, I did all the things that I thought the straight-laced, christian sorority girl should do. I wanted to be the leader. I wanted to be the girl that a boy would be proud to take home to his conservative mother. I committed to a sport at Pres, served as an ambassador, on the Religious Activities Committee, on the student council and was Senior Class President. At Florida Southern, I served on Student Government, campus ministries, and served my sorority on multiple levels, including as President my last year. Being able to make a list like that was my goal. I wanted to tell anyone and everyone the things I was involved.
I spent those eight years of my life doing things that allowed me to hold my head up high and filled my life with titles. I built a resume for my life that I thought people would respect and I let those things define me. 2005 and 2006, I was THE Senior Class President and THE starting shooting guard of the Varsity basketball team. In 2007, I was THE Vice President of Operations. In 2008, I was THE Vice President of Recruitment for Panhellenic. In 2009, I was THE President of Kappa Delta. Those years of my life were defined by these titles that have gotten me where? I wish someone would have looked at me and say 'Who cares? Who are you REALLY? Don't tell me what you're involved in. Tell me what really defines you as a person.'
I won't discredit any of those positions or experiences but what I will discredit is what I gleaned from them. When I was president, I didn't recognize the humility my sisters would teach me. I didn't recognize the beauty of leading our ritual. I didn't recognize the power in servant leadership. I just soaked up the title and didn't allow the beauty of those experiences to seep into the foundation of my life. When I told people a title I was holding, I allowed their response to be my happiness. When someone would comment about how involved I was, I would smile inside because I had spent some many years of my life seeking those things and being recognized for it fed me. All of this time, I neglected who JennaLynn was and I have failed myself. I have allowed this superficial living to seep into every aspect in my life.
Now, I am 23 and feeling like I have not lived. I am itching at the seams to get out and do something real that will define me on a deep level. I feel smothered because I have committed to a life that is keeping me from growing in a real way. I am in a life that I should have only committed to AFTER I knew the real me. I got married a 21. I was a child then and in so many ways, I am still a child. Because the whole time I should have been growing up, I was convincing myself that I was already there. I was living through positions and titles and this sequence of events that are laid out for you. I have never been able to just be. As soon as Corey and I started dating and I knew I was in love with him, I wondered when we would be engaged. I would ask him every week when he was going to propose (for 2 years! He's a good man for taking it.) Then, when we became engaged, I expressed that we should get married as soon as possible. I was so focused on getting married and living the glorious life of being someone's wife that I completely overlooked my college graduation. I couldn't even relish in that for one moment because we were getting married just 5 weeks later, and just 10 weeks after that, we were moving 15 hours north to a city where we knew no one and Corey was starting seminary. I don't regret where we are because I do believe the Lord has lead us this whole way. I am blessed to be married to a man that has agreed to let me explore these murky feelings and who has committed to stand beside me every step of the way.
I have spent the last 23 years wishing my life away. God willing and myself willing, I will push through this realization and come out with a real foundation for who I am. I don't want to just want to be fine. I don't want any titles. I want to be myself and I want to thrive.
Here's to ACTUALLY growing up.
Cheers.
